A Generosity of Spirit

Last night my closest friend and I went for dinner, with her little girl, who’s also my goddaughter. 

It was one of many wonderful nights that we’ve shared over the years (over twenty for the two of us and six with the addition of the sweetest human). 

My friends daughter and I have such a close bond, and I've always attributed so much of this to my friend. I've never, however, really been able to articulate this, although it's a gleamingly obvious feeling I have whenever the three of us are together.   

As I made my way to the train station, after walking the two of them to an Uber (one of them barely awake, after the excitement of wandering Borough Markets at night, good chat, butterfly origami, pasta and ice cream), I realised the quite simple explanation. 

My friend allows me to love her daughter freely.

It’s really that simple and isn’t something that every parent would allow (whether that be consciously or not). There’s a certain generosity of spirit that encourages others to become very close to your children. 

The trust my gracious and incredibly considerate friend, has always shown me from the day her little girl was born, has allowed that bond to grow. Whether it be leaving her in my care from when she was a sweet newborn, allowing me to use my own instincts to hold, comfort or encourage her over the years or asking for my advice (even though I’m not a parent myself). 

It's the simple act of allowing a relationship to flourish between someone you love and the most important person in your world. An act that comes so naturally to my friend, she may not even realise that she's doing something extraordinary, for both her daughter and for me.  

Six years ago, my love and I made a very considered decision not to have kids. As we grew up, we both assumed, without too much thought, that we would have children (as many of us do due to “societal norms”), but like any decisions that we make in a lifetime, choosing to try for children is something we can choose to do or not, and we chose the latter. 

I’m a very maternal person (which I think anyone who knows me will attest to). I adore children and have done from when I was very young ~ when I was nine, my parents told my sister and I we were going to have another sibling and I still count it as one of the best days of my young life. My excitement levels were off the charts and I remember very clearly how utterly obsessed I was with my baby brother. 

Teaching a class of four year olds when I lived in Japan, was one of the most joyous of times (oh the cuteness of those days!) and whenever my friends or family members have had babies, I've loved spending time with their little ones and watching them grow. 

Although I sometimes wonder how different our lives would be if we had children, six years on, it feels like one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. 

For anyone reading this and curious as to the reasons for our decision, it’s not anything particularly revolutionary. When we came to the age that we "should" start thinking about having children, it’s just not something we had a real yearning for. I did more than my love (which I think is probably quite common in a heterosexual relationship), and it’s something that we really thought about for a good year, as to whether it was the right decision for us. 

Ultimately we decided that we loved the dynamic of just the two of us, it wasn’t something we 100% wanted (and it felt like something you should be all in for), we had plans that would have been much more difficult to do with children and ultimately just love having complete freedom everyday. The thought of the years spreading out before us without the full responsibility of raising children, feels truly wonderful to us. 

It’s not for everyone and that’s ok. 

Our decision has always been made much easier by the fact that we have quite a few close friends who also don’t have children, we live in a very open minded city where there are countless different family dynamics, we love spending time with our friends children (I may be bias, but all of our friends have the coolest kids) and we had zero pressure from either of our families. 

It almost feels strange to write about this topic, as to me, it just doesn’t feel like a big deal anymore (even though when we made the decision it very much did, as it’s a life altering choice). But if anyone happens to read this, who may be grappling with the decision, listen to your own heart ~ it’s the only one you should take any notice of. 

Not having children has made me acutely aware of different dynamics within communities, friendships and families. It’s made me really consider and attempt to understand how important other adults are within children’s lives. 

You only have to look back on your own childhood and remember the adults who stood out for you ~ aunties and uncles, grandparents, friends parents, coaches or teachers. Or perhaps you look back and wish you had of had someone, other than your parents, to talk to. These relationship can be crucial to how children deal with pivotal times in their life. 

Whether you have children of your own or not, being an influential adult in a child’s live, who isn’t your own, is a privilege. One that feels undeniably lovely and should never be taken lightly. 

If you’re a parent who allows those you love to completely love your babies, as my beautiful friend does with such ease, I truly believe you’re giving them such a gift. One that will stay with them as they grow and find their way in this beautiful, chaotic world...